I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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