jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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