How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Fuck appropriateness.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
