I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
That accounts for only three of the penises
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
