wakey wakey hands off snakey
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
where am i from again
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
