We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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