i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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