I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Randomize
