i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
