I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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