i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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