Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Randomize
