remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
