tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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