drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
