So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
i drank out of a bidet.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
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