Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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