im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
