Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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