I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Boobs speak an international language.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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