I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
