Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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