rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
