someone get that fucking seahorse.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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