My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
