well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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