I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Randomize
