Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
