I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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