My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
