you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
