I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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