the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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