I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize