Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
