Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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