Screwed.edu
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
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