How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
