PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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