did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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