I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I could fuck to npr.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
