i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize