I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
