thus making me awesome and them whores
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
