I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
