she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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