Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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