how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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