So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
She tied me up with her honor cords...
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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