she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Randomize
