There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
