it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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