Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
