Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
