i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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