he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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