having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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