dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
