You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
